he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
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