Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
