I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
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New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
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