theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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