if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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