I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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