I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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