he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
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I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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