6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
