He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
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Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
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Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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