if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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