my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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