A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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