I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
