3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it was like eating out sand paper
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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