I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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