i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
