There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize