It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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