i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
