Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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