All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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