there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
