Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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