38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
