Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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