found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
