Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
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