just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
