I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
