8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
