I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
