Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
