when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
