Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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