I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
do herpes really smell.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
