my phone needs a breathalizer
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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