then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
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he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
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I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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