whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
