party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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