farters have to be the big spoon...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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