oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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