Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
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No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
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Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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