she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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