if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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