So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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