No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
