Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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