I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
