New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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