you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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