I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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